


Good Enough

by ImOutOfMyVulcanMind (LoopyLu94)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Minor Violence, Negative mental thoughts, Swearing, injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-09-22 08:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17056400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoopyLu94/pseuds/ImOutOfMyVulcanMind
Summary: Reader isn't good enough. Not Smart enough. Not athletic enough. Not confident enough. She always lets everyone down. Or so she thinks. Will an incident during an away mission, and the help from a tender (and handsome) Doctor, help her see that she is more than good enough?





	Good Enough

_Captain Kirk,_

_This letter is to inform you of my intent to resign from Starfleet at the earliest possible opportunity. If accepted, I would find it preferable to leave during our next Starbase visit on  ____________ to make this transition as efficient and painless as possible._

_I would like to take this time to also express my gratitude to you for allowing to serve aboard the Enterprise. My time here has been eye-opening and thought-provoking, and has allowed me to learn much about both myself and the universe around me._

_Sincerely,_

_Ensign Y/N Y/L/N_

You sat on the floor of your quarters, once again reading over the words on your PADD. You knew them by heart by now. They’d been saved on your device for weeks, erased, rewritten and edited countless times. Now all that remained was for you to summon the courage to enter the date of your next scheduled docking and submit it to the Captain. If you didn’t do it soon, there wouldn’t be enough time.

Tears prickled at the corner of your eyes as your fingers hovered over the keys. You didn’t want to resign. You’d dreamt of joining Starfleet since you were a girl. Being able to explore the stars had seemed magical to you as a child, gazing up at the night sky longingly. And it wasn’t that that magic had lessened. On the contrary, it had grown if anything. You still smiled when you looked out a window and saw the stars go flying by. Your heart still fluttered when you helped Commander Spock, and the rest of the science division, learn about a new planet or species. Your breath still caught at some of the beauty and wonders of space. No, you weren’t disenchanted with space or anything it held.

The only reason you had to leave was because you simply weren’t good enough.

You’d been told from that young age that you didn’t have what it took to be in Starfleet. You weren’t smart enough. You weren’t athletic enough. You weren’t confident enough. But you had proved those early doubters wrong. You’d worked hard, overcome obstacles, eventually securing your place at Starfleet Academy.

If someone looked at your record, they would say you’d excelled, but you hadn’t. Not really. Other cadets had still passed you. Someone had always been better.

How you were assigned to the Enterprise, the Federation’s  _flagship_ , you’ll never know. Everyone around you knew what they were doing. It felt like you had been slow to learn the ropes, messed up constantly, were forever in the medbay, and the work was so easy. You were sure you were being given the easiest tasks. Even then you still managed to screw up. It had become more than obvious that you just weren’t good enough.

Your one year review was coming up soon, and rather than go through the humiliation of having all your flaws picked out, you’d decided that it would save everyone’s time for you to resign first.

The tears were now running down your cheeks, and you attempted to blink them away as punched in the date on your PADD. A month in Earth time. One month and you’d be out of the fleet, searching for something to give you the fulfillment space did. A sob racked your body as you entered the final details, your hand shaking almost uncontrollably as you pressed the last button and sent your resignation to the Captain.

You let your PADD tumble to the floor and pulled your knees to your chest as you finally let yourself cry properly. It felt like your heart was breaking, your dreams crumbling around you and turning to dust. You’d proven anyone who said you weren’t going to make it, right. You hadn’t even made it a year.

Your communicator chirping pulled you back from your well of self-pity, and you glared at it like it was its fault for interrupting you. You considered not answering it briefly, but you didn’t get many calls so it was probably important. Wiping your face with a hand, you reached over to grab the device. You took a deep breath before flipping it open, hoping it would steady your voice.

“Hello?”

“Ensign Y/L/N.” Spock’s voice came from the other end, and you immediately straightened up.

“Commander. Is there anything wrong?” You asked, cursing that your voice was still trembling a little.

If Spock noticed, which he no doubt did, he must have decided that bringing it up right now would be ‘illogical’. “No. The Captain is holding a meeting in the briefing room, and your presence is required.”

You frowned, confused, but decided not to question it. You’d find out soon enough. “Yes, sir.”

“Very good. Thirty minutes, Ensign.” The line went dead, and you closed your communicator with a sigh. Why were you being requested for a meeting with senior officers?

It briefly occurred to you that it might be due to your resignation, but you dismissed the idea quickly. It was nearly impossible that the Captain had read it so quickly, and even if he had, he wouldn’t call a meeting over it. It wasn’t as if you were an invaluable member of the crew, that he might want to persuade to stay.

You sighed again and pushed yourself to your feet. Perhaps you were going to be reprimanded for something. You tried to think if you’d messed anything major up recently, but you drew a blank. Making your way into the bathroom, you attempted to freshen up and make your eyes less red. It sort of worked. Hopefully you could just pass off as being tired.

Straightening your uniform, you glanced in the mirror. It passed just about. Nothing to get in trouble for.  _Hopefully_.

You grabbed your communicator and PADD and left your quarters. And nearly walked straight into Leonard McCoy.

“Sorry, sir.” You cringed. Of course, it would be you who practically barged into the ships CMO.

“Nothing to apologize for.” The doctor said with a smile, looking you over. “Everything alright?” You cringed inwardly again. You could see he was starting to flip into Doctor mode.

“Fine. A little tired that’s all.” You answered, hoping it would be a good enough excuse to buy you some time. “I have to go. Commander Spock has requested I meet him in the briefing room.”

“What a coincidence, I’ve been summoned to that meeting too.” Leonard gestured with his arm for you to start walking, and you felt your stomach drop. Now you had to get all the way there while making small talk.

It wasn’t that you disliked Leonard, in fact, you liked him very much. Apart from being incredibly handsome, Leonard had always been nice to you. Even when you’d gotten yourself hurt. Sure, he’d grumble and moan about needing to be more careful, but he always went out of his way to check up on you afterward, even if there was really no need. And it seemed today would be no different.

“I’m glad I ran into you. I wanted to find out how that rash was doing? Did the cream I gave you clear it up?”

You nodded, remembering the angry red rash that had covered your arms not two weeks previously. You’d been examining some newly discovered flora, and it turned out it caused a rather bad reaction when it came into contact with human skin.

“It’s all gone now, sir.” You murmured, raising your arm and pulling up your sleeve so Leonard could see for himself.

Leonard stopped for a moment and took hold of your arm. The feel of his sturdy hands on your skin always sent your pulse racing, and you were just glad his fingers weren’t near a pulse point. “It does appear to have cleared. That’s good.” Leonard smiled at you, quickly checking your other arm.

He released you, and you both resumed walking. “Are you sure you’re okay, Y/N? You seem a little off.” Of course Leonard would see through you façade, he was too good a Doctor not to. This wasn’t the first time either. There’d been a few occasions when he’d questioned how you were feeling, and lately you’d been more and more tempted to say the truth.

Leonard was one of the few people you trusted, and more than once you’d opened your mouth to admit how you were feeling. Today was another of those days, and you nearly told him about your resignation. “I’m sure, sir. Like I said, just tired.” You said instead with your best fake genuine smile.

“I’ve told you before you can call me Leonard in private, Y/N.” He said a look of concern still on his face as you entered the turbolift. “I can give you something to help you sleep if you’re having trouble.”

You shook your head quickly. Great, now he thought there was something else wrong with you. “That really isn’t necessary, si-. It’s been busy in the lab, specimens to examine, reports to fill, you know how it is. Once it quiets down I’ll be able to catch up.”

Leonard still didn’t look entirely convinced but didn’t argue anymore either. “And you’ll be able to rest up properly when we dock at Yorktown next month.” He said, the two of you exiting the turbolift together. “Do you have anything planned for our time there?”

You opened your mouth to make up some generic activities, but you were interrupted as you were met by Kirk, Spock, another science ensign, and a couple of security officers.

“Perfect timing you two.” Kirk smiled at the two of you, and you felt some sort of relief. He wouldn’t be looking like that if this was due to some deadly serious business. Kirk unlocked the briefing room door, and you all filed in, taking your seats.

Kirk waited for you all to be settled, before he started. “I’ve requested your presence here, as you have all been selected to be part of the away team for our next mission. As I’m sure you are all aware, we’ve been orbiting a previously undiscovered planet for the past three days. Until now we have been conducting scans of the surface to obtain basic information. However, Starfleet has deemed this planet of interest, and we have been ordered to go down and examine the planet further. Mister Spock, would you care to run us through what you and your team have already discovered?”

Spock nodded, tapping a few buttons on the table to bring up a view of the planet on screen. “The planet, currently designated Gamma-3X, has been distinguished as a M-Class Planet, though the climate does appear to be a few degrees above what most humans would describe as comfortable. Our scans have indicated that there are lifeforms inhabiting Gamma-3X, but our research has led us to believe that they are at the beginning of their civilisation. Therefore, it is paramount that we do not interact with them or make them aware of who we are. Our primary mission is to collect samples of the fauna, take readings and make notes.” Spock paused to let the information sink in, and adjusted the view on the screen so it was centred on a particular part of the planet. You knew it well. It had been you who pointed it out to Spock yesterday. One of the few things you’d done right.

“We believe this area here is the main settlement of the inhabitants, and so, the area where we will be able to learn most about them.” Spock continued. “If we are to learn anything, we must take cover around the outskirts while we run more in-depth scans.” Spock looked back over at Kirk and nodded.

“Ensigns Y/L/N and Bowen will aid Mister Spock in his research. If all goes to plan, we’ll be down and back within a few hours without a hiccup. But in the slim chance we are seen, security is coming with us. Phasers are to be used as a last resort, so stick to hand to hand if possible, men. Doctor McCoy, you’ll be joining us for the same reason as security, in case something goes wrong, and I will be overseeing the mission. Special uniforms to help us blend in will be sent to you later. Are there any questions?” Kirk finished, looking around the room. When he was met with just silence, he smiled and nodded. “Very good. Meet in Transporter Room 3 at o-eight-hundred hours tomorrow. Thank you for your time.”

You all rose with Kirk, and the Captain soon left, followed by Spock. You didn’t move immediately, still trying to process everything. It wasn’t the information you’d just been given, you were part of the team that had helped Spock with his initial investigation. It was that he’d chosen you, out of all the other science officers to accompany him down. Why on Earth would he choose the ships biggest fuck-up to help him on a mission that required intelligence and stealth?

“Y/N?” Leonard’s voice startled you from your thoughts, causing you to drop your PADD. You quickly reached to pick it up, but Leonard got it first. “Didn’t mean to startle you.” He started, before his eyes were drawn down to your PADD. The screen had activated during the fall, and you realised with a sinking heart that you hadn’t touched it since you sent your resignation. “You sent something to Jim? Your-?”

You snatched your PADD back off Leonard, but you could see in his face that he’d already seen the summary of your letter. “Excuse me, Doctor.” You blushed, turning on your heel and making for the exit.

“Y/N, wait.” You cursed silently as Leonard easily caught up with you, and pulled you to one side. “You’re resigning? Why?”

The concern written all over his features made your heart break, and you looked away. “This is the best option I have.” You said quietly.

“That didn’t answer my question. Why do you want to leave? If you’re having a problem, we can help. I can help. You just have to say, and we can help fix it.” Leonard spoke softly, and it made you angry. You didn’t need pity. It was plain to see you weren’t good enough to be here, and that it’d be easier for you to leave. So why did Leonard want you to stay?

“My reasons for resigning are personal, and with all due respect, Doctor, they aren’t currently your concern either. I believe I am right in saying that only the Captain has the immediate authority to ask me to divulge my reasons.” You said coolly, trying to keep your voice even. You didn’t want to push Leonard away, but you were inches from breaking point, and you needed to get away.

Not looking up again, you pulled back from Leonard and walked as quickly as you could to your quarters, locking the door behind you. You forced yourself to take a few deep breaths to calm down, and sank onto your bed. A part of you half expected Leonard to turn up, but he didn’t, and you were glad. If he had appeared again, you probably would have broken down and told him everything. Sighing, you closed your eyes, already dreading the mission the next day.

~

You arrived at the transporter room on time the following morning, dressed in the green uniform that had been supplied to you in order to help camouflage yourselves. The security officers, and the other science ensign were already present, but the senior officers had yet to arrive.

You hadn’t slept a wink that night, your nerves for today steadily growing. You had no idea how Leonard was going to be towards you, or if he’d say anything at all.

Dead on the hour, the ranking officers entered the room, and you immediately felt eyes on you. Looking over, you saw Leonard watching you, though his face was relatively impassive and you had no idea what he was thinking.

“Good morning.” Kirk smiled as brightly as always, looking around at all of you. “Remember that this mission is covert. We are not to make contact with the inhabitants, and if possible, prevent them from seeing us at all. Let’s get going, shall we?” Everyone started to move to their spot on the transporter pad, but as you turned to do so too, Kirk stopped you. “When we return from the mission, I’d like a word with you in my ready room.” He said quietly, looking more serious.

You hadn’t been expecting him to want to talk to you so soon originally, but once Leonard had learned of your intentions, you’d prepared for things to move along quicker. So you simply nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“Good. As you were.” Kirk flashed you a quick a smile, then made his way to the transporter pad, you following behind him.

Minutes later, you and the rest of the party were standing in a small clearing surrounded by trees and plants. The weather was warmer than you liked, and the only people in your group who didn’t look immediately uncomfortable were Spock and Leonard. You could already feel yourself start to sweat, but despite that, you and the other ensign immediately began to gather the more menial data required, while Spock ran some more complex scans. Kirk and the security officers scouted the area, and you took a quick glance to see Leonard checking over his supplies once again.

No one spoke much for a while until Spock deemed that you had all collected enough information of the planets nature.

“We have acquired a sufficient amount here, Captain. I suggest we now move closer to the settlement to begin our observations there.” Spock said to Kirk, who nodded.

“We’ve found a rocky outcrop that looks down on the settlement while offering a suitable hiding spot,” Kirk replied, him and security starting to guide the rest of you in the right direction.

As you emerged from the forest, the sun beat down on you even stronger, and your uniform soon began to cling to you. Kirk led you along, and soon you all began to ascend a hill. By this point, even Leonard was swearing under his breath.

“Damnit, Jim, I’m a Doctor, not a mountain climber.” He muttered quietly, and you were forced to hold back a giggle. You still managed to catch Leonard’s notice though, and you saw a brief smile flicker across his lips.

Eventually, you all came to a stop, and you could now see a small area of rock, sticking out over the cliff edge.

“I see no reason for all of us to move to the edge. Only myself and Ensigns Y/L/N and Bowen need to be so close. It would also reduce our chances of being seen.” Spock said, keeping his voice quiet.

Kirk looked unsure for a moment but then nodded. “Alright. Stay low.”

Luckily, there were a few shrubs jutting out between small cracks in the rock, giving you a tiny amount of extra cover as the three of you carefully made your way across. Laying on your stomach, you were able to peek out over the edge and watch the settlement below.

The inhabitants were just as primitive as you’d first thought. From what you could see, they had just started making basic tools and weapons.

“Fascinating,” Spock whispered, and you had to admit you agreed.

They were mostly covered so it was difficult to see too many details, but they were clearly humanoid. And they worked loudly, so you could hear their language. You were sure it was the most beautiful thing you’d ever heard. It was strong but melodic, and you immediately began to record it, so perhaps it could be translated. Either side of you, Spock and Bowen were doing their own tasks, though they both looked just as intrigued as you.

You lost track of how long you were up there, but at some point, you looked over your shoulder and your eyes widened. One of the security officers had wondered dangerously close to the edge. You tapped Spock’s shoulder and pointed, but it was already too late. Before Spock could open his mouth, some rubble gave way under the man’s feet.

You watched in horror as he went tumbling down the cliff, surrounded by dust and rocks, and landed on the ground. The drop was survivable, but not seconds later he was ambushed by the villagers, and it seemed they didn’t take kindly to strangers.

You had to look away when you caught sight of a blood-covered rock glinting in the sunlight.

Forcing yourself to look back down, your stomach dropped even further as you saw the remaining locals scanning the cliff's edge. “We have to get out of here.” You whispered to Spock who nodded in agreement.

Carefully, and very, very slowly, the three of you began to crawl backward trying to make the minimum amount of movement. You were just about to step onto main ground when the first spear landed, narrowly missing Spock. Spinning around, you saw that the inhabitants had climbed the cliff by a different route, and had now spotted you all.

“Run!” Spock ordered, and you began to sprint your way back to the others, followed closely by rocks, arrows, and the occasional spear. “Captain, we must move now.”

“So I can see.” Kirk and the others immediately jumped to their feet, Leonard already cursing. The locals were fast and knew the terrain far better than your group, so you were all forced to run at full speed to ensure you weren’t cut down.

Entering the forest once more, Kirk led you in some zig-zag pattern, no doubt hoping to lose your attackers long enough to beam back up to the ship. It didn’t happen that easily though. Your pursuers were determined and kept up the chase.  

You were starting to get out of breath, but you forced your legs to keep going, knowing that if you stopped, you’d meet your death. As the forest became denser, the sound of footsteps became fainter, and even though you all still kept moving, you slowed a little.

Everything around you became so quiet, you were sure you’d lost them, and allowed yourself time to catch your breath with the others.

“We’ll get that seen to when we’re back on the ship,” Leonard spoke quietly, and you frowned for a moment before following his gaze down to your arm and saw the blood. You didn’t even remember hurting yourself, but you figured you must have caught it on some thorns while you were running.

“It’s fine.” You mumbled, glancing up Leonard. “Doesn’t even look deep.”

“It could be poisonous, who knows what’s on these damned plants?” Leonard spoke but you weren’t listening. Movement had caught your eye from the trees behind Leonard, and a moment later you saw the glint of an arrow.

“Move!” You shoved Leonard to one side, just as the arrow was let loose.

A scream of pain was torn from your lips, and you looked down to see a long splinter of wood sticking out of your chest. You faintly heard the hum of a phaser, but you were too focused on the agony that was now hitting you with all the force of a boulder. You would have sunk to the floor, but a strong grip prevented you from falling, and suddenly you were moving again.

“Stay with me, Y/N. I know it hurts, but we’ve got to keep going.” Leonard’s voice was in your ear, practically dragging you along with him as he followed the others.

“You…you should leave me…slowing you down.” You gasped out, struggling to take a breath. “Go…not worth it…” Another cry of agony was pulled from you as your feet tangled with some roots, and you collided with a tree.

“I’m not leaving you.” Leonard paused just long enough to scoop you into his arms. “Just hold on for me.”

It felt like a weight on your chest as you tried to take a shaky breath. The blood gurgled around the arrow hilt as the air seeped into your chest, surrounding your lungs, not letting it expand.

The trees around you started to thin, and you soon emerged at your original clearing. The glaring sun hurt your eyes so you closed them, as you continued to struggle against the ever-growing amount of oxygen in your chest, the pain increasing by the second.

You heard voices around you, but had no idea what they were saying. “Leonard…m’sorry…for yesterday…”

“It’s okay, Y/N. We can talk about everything later. Just focus on breathing best you can for me now.” You felt Leonard stop moving and heard more voices. You tried to concentrate, but the agony was overwhelming and all-consuming now, and it was a relief when the blackness finally overtook you and succumbed to the pain.

~

Someone was sitting on your chest, you were sure of it. Someone was sitting there just to prevent you from taking a deep breath. You should probably tell them to move, you thought. And see who it is. See who’s sitting on you, and tell them to do one.

You opened your eyes a fraction, groaning at the bright light. Why was it so bright?

“Lights sixty percent.” You recognized the voice that spoke, and as the lights dimmed you were able to open your eyes properly. You recognized the ceiling above you. You were in Medbay. “Welcome back, darlin.”

You turned your head and saw Leonard standing over you, checking your vitals on the biobed. “What…what happened?” You struggled to ask. Your mouth was dry as a desert.

“The arrow you were shot with pierced your lung, and caused it to collapse.” Leonard must have seen the worry instantly flicker across your face, because he sat down next to you and squeezed your hand. “It’s okay.” He smiled. “We got you back here, and I took you in for immediate surgery. I removed the arrow, and sealed the tear in your lung. I’ve spent the last couple days removing the excess air from your chest cavity, but it’s all gone now, and I removed the chest tube about two hours ago. All you need to do now is rest for me, and you’ll be fine.” While he had been explaining, Leonard brought a cup of water to your lips, allowing you to take a drink.

“Thank you.” You whispered with a small smile.

“No need to thank me, Y/N.” Leonard returned your smile. “Are you in any pain?”

“More of a really bad ache. And it feels like someone’s sitting on me.”

“It’ll be like that for a few days until your lung has fully recovered. I can up your oxygen if you feel like you’re struggling too much.” Leonard was already on his feet, preparing a hypo.

You shook your head, only now becoming aware of the nasal cannula you were wearing. “I’m fine.”

“Alright, and your oxygen levels are doing well, so we’ll leave it there for now.” Leonard approached you with the hypo, and you automatically bared your neck for him. “This is some pain relief. It’ll help with the ache.” The Doctor explained, administrating the medication with practiced ease. The needle was soon replaced with Leonard’s fingers gently massaging the soreness away.

You opened your mouth to speak, but Leonard shushed you. “Get some more rest for now. We can talk later, okay?” Leonard’s hand returned to yours, squeezing it again.

You just nodded. The painkiller was already starting to work, and you felt yourself get tired again. “Okay.” You mumbled, looking up at Leonard once more before your eyes closed and you drifted back to sleep.

The next time you woke, the ache was less, and even though it still felt like you were being sat on, it at least felt like a smaller person. You managed to sit yourself up, and when a nurse came to check on you, she said that Leonard would be in soon.

You nodded, using the alone time to go back over everything. Your dominating thought was that you once again managed to get yourself hurt, only this time you created an emergency. Great.

Sighing, you didn’t even notice Leonard until he was sitting next to you. “How you feeling?” He asked, looking at you with concern.

“Better. The ache is less.” You glanced briefly up at Leonard, before looking down again. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? For what?” There was confusion in Leonard’s voice.

“For messing up again, and getting hurt. The last thing you probably wanted to do was get back and have to operate immediately.”

Leonard was silent for what felt like ages. “Y/N…you saved my life down there. If you hadn’t spotted the shooter and reacted so quickly, I could’ve died.” He said softly, taking your hand in his. “The Captain has already made note of your actions, and has entered you to receive the Starfleet Silver Palm.”

That made you look up again, but you only frowned. “Why? Getting one thing right doesn’t make up for a year of screw-ups.”

Leonard’s frown matched yours as his eyes searched your own. “A year of screw-ups? Y/N, that’s not true.” His eyes widened as realisation hit him. “Is that why you want leave? On the planet…you said to leave you… Is this why? You think you don’t deserve it?”

You couldn’t bear to see the hurt in Leonard’s eyes, and all it did was confuse you, so you looked down again. “It’s true though. I’ve never been good enough for this job. I wasn’t when I was a kid, I wasn’t at the Academy, and I’m still not good enough now!” Your cheeks were wet by now, and as you got more and more upset with yourself, the harder you found it to take a breath.

Leonard silenced the alarms of the biobed before they started to go off, and rubbed your back. “Slow breaths for me, let yourself calm down. Deep as you can. That’s it.” Leonard continued his quiet encouragements until you’d calmed again, but even then, his hand stayed on your back, a steadying gesture. “Your lung isn’t healed enough for an upset like that.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” You sniffed, wiping your eyes with a hand.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, darlin’.” Leonard sat on the bed next to you so he could continue rubbing your back, likely feeling the way you relaxed underneath him. “I’ve seen your file. You aced your entry exams, and your record at the Academy was excellent. You were one of the top students in all your classes. I don’t understand why you’re feeling this way.”

“I was never at the top. I never have been. Even when I was younger there were others around me that could do anything they wanted with barely any effort. I’ve never been one of those people, and I was told so many times that I wouldn’t even make it to the Academy. Then I did make it, and I was confronted by the same thing. Cadets around me who just breezed through, while I had to work and fight for my grades. Somehow I managed to graduate, and I got assigned here. I don’t even know why. I didn’t have the highest graduation score. There were others who would be better, who should be here instead of me.”

Leonard had remained silent while you spoke, and it was a few seconds after you finished before he said anything. “Thank you for opening up to me. I wish you’d come to me sooner, just so you wouldn’t have had to go so long feeling this way, but I understand why you didn’t.” Leonard’s voice was soft and reassuring, and any worry you had about being a nuisance started to fade. “Do you trust me?”

You frowned at the odd question but nodded. Of course, you trusted Leonard.

“Good. I know it’s going to be hard for you, but I want you to try and trust me when I say that everything I tell you is completely honest, alright?” Leonard waited for you to nod again before continuing. “These thoughts you’re having, they aren’t true. You said you were told as a child that you weren’t good enough to join Starfleet, and things like that said to a child who is still developing can be extremely detrimental to their mental health as they grow. Those words have been ingrained in you, and they’ve followed you everywhere, making you think things that aren’t true. Because you are deserving of being in Starfleet and being on the Enterprise. Having to fight to be where you are now, doesn’t make you any less than the people who breezed through. In fact, it was probably the determination you’ve shown that got you on this ship. You’ve got fight in you, and I know Jim well enough to say that that’s one thing he loves. Lord knows that he’s faced adversity and had to fight his way out. He probably saw your file and snapped you up. As for messing up, Spock doesn’t suffer fools gladly, so if you were messing up all the time, you wouldn’t have been aboard long. You’ve earned your place here, Y/N.”

Leonard paused, and you let his words sink in. You struggled with it, but everyone knew that Leonard McCoy didn’t lie or sugar-coat things. If anything, he could be too honest sometimes. So maybe he was right. Maybe you weren’t as terrible at everything as you thought.

“I don’t expect my words alone to completely remove any of these negative thoughts, and although I do have some experience is psychology, it isn’t my forte. If I make an appointment with the ship's counsellor, will you go? I’ll always be here for you to talk to, but she’ll be able to help you through everything better than I can.”

You hesitated for a few moments and looked up at Leonard. “I can’t. I’ve already submitted by resignation to the Captain.”

“Are you talking about me? My ears are burning.” Kirk entered the med bay with a grin, and Leonard huffed.

“I swear you hang around corners, waiting for the perfect opportunity for a dramatic entrance.”

Kirk winked. “I’m Captain, I’m allowed to be dramatic, Bones. How’re you feeling, Y/N?” He asked you, and you could see the genuine interest on his features.

“Better, sir. Thank you.” You answered with a smile.

“Excellent, because I really do need to speak with you about the letter you sent me.” Kirk turned more serious, but his eyes were still kind. “Do you still wish to proceed with it? I have yet to forward it to Command, but I will have to do it soon if you wish for everything to be in place at our next docking.”

You looked up at Leonard for a moment, before going back to Kirk. “I’ve spoken with Doctor McCoy about some of the issues I’ve had that led to my initial desire to leave, and he has helped me see that I acted too rashly. So, if possible, I’d like to withdraw my resignation, sir.”

Kirk smiled and nodded. “Of course. I must say I’m relieved, I was under threat from a half Vulcan science officer to try everything in my power to convince you to stay. He was extremely…unsatisfied at the prospect of losing one of the potential best science officers in the fleet.”

“Best? Me?” You frowned, trying to understand. It didn’t make sense.

“You, Y/N.” Kirk paused, studying for you for a few moments, before he appeared to make up his mind about something. “This wasn’t going to be brought up until your official review, but everything is set in stone as it were, and we’re just waiting for the final go ahead. A month ago, Spock put in a request for you to be promoted. I’ll admit that I was sceptical at first, but after reviewing some your work, those doubts have been eased. You have the qualities of an exemplary officer, and Spock is keen to be able assign you work that better fits your capabilities.”

“I…” You were stunned. After expecting to be thrown out of Starfleet at your first review, the thought of promotion had never even occurred to you. Nor would it have ever, even in your wildest dreams. “Thank you, sir.” You finally managed to get your thoughts together, and you smiled at Kirk.

Kirk smiled back warmly. “You deserve it. I’ll leave you to get some rest.” He turned and walked back to the door, but paused again, looking back at Leonard. “Have you admitted it yet, Bones?”

“Admitted what?” Bones growled, and he tensed up next to you.

“You haven’t, have you? I think you need a push.” Kirk grinned, the mischief etched over his face. “Y/N, Bones here has been trying to get your attention for months, but he isn’t the best at flirting. Haven’t you noticed him checking up on you, or appearing around your quarters when he didn’t need to be? I’ve told him to spit it out, but the stubborn-“ Kirk narrowly avoided the roll of bandage that was thrown at his head.

“Get lost and stop annoying my patients, you over grown child, before I decide you need vaccine boosters!” Leonard yelled, on his feet and holding up a hypo.

Kirk laughed and winked, then quickly disappeared out of the room.

Groaning, Leonard sat back down. “Sorry about that, Y/N. Damned infant promised he wouldn’t say anything.”

“So it’s true then?”

Leonard nodded, rubbing the back of his neck and looking embarrassed. “Yeah. I didn’t know you were feeling this way then, though. Not that that changes how I feel. But the last thing you need right now is attempting to date an old grump. Not that I’m assuming you would anyway. You probably haven’t looked at me twice, you’re so beautiful. Please don’t let this stop you from coming to me as a Doctor or a friend. I don’t want things to be awkward or-“

“Leonard, how about you stop rambling and let me speak?” You’d never seen Leonard look so unsure before, and the fact that he was this way because of you was endearing. “You’re right. I definitely can’t jump straight into anything right now, but I can still paddle. And I do like you, I always have. Maybe we can get a drink? Just to start?”

Leonard looked stunned, but it soon turned into a wide grin. “I’d like that.” He murmured softly, leaning over to press a kiss to your forehead. You closed your eyes and leaned into it with a smile.

You knew you had a long way to go, but for the first time in years, you began to feel that for once you were more than good enough.


End file.
